What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I couldn’t, believe it.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

How do I get off Paxil?

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Why do so many autistic adults deal with self-hatred?

She was in good health!

He knew the spot.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Who is the beast of Revelation 13?

Put me off passion for life!!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

As i do to all so called friends.?

Is it okay or problematic to be both Black and gay in society in the 21st century?

Who then, do I blame.?

I never cut or harmed myself..

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

How did you respond to, "Why do you love me"?

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

My ex got into a relationship within 2 weeks after a breakup. What should I do?

Ive learnt so much.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

What did i know ?

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Comes on , in middle age.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

How do I convince my husband that a threesome is okay?

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I said to her

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

What's an uncomfortable truth you've learned to accept?

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I was 9 years of age.

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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

All the time i was locked up.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I write beautiful poetry .

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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

My life is so biszare .

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Would this be the day?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

This is soul school!.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Im still living with it.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

She married twice! .

One cannot live in the past .

Was to survive, this bastard.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

When she asked me how she looked .

(And it was in our own minds.)

But it wasn’t much.

I waited trembling.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

She loved him until the end.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

So whats the point in blame.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

But, we were locked up after school.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I was seconnd youngest,

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

She wouldn,t have been !

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I have no regrets .

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I don,t even have a pension.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

And i lived it daily.

My family never makes their pension either.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I was scared of men, in general

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I think the readers, may guess!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Why did i forgive my father ?

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

It was going to be , some day.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

He resisted the act ,that day.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

We were not on the streets..

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

So, i spoilt her more .

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

I will be 64.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I could never make a relationship work though!

I was very sick at this time too.

But ive been too sick for many years..

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Especially a lifetime of it.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

She found it foreign!.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

We all went to grammer schools